I remarried and added the challenge of blending a family to the mix of life, in yet another new city, St. Louis. I felt that I was making more deliberate life choices to create a world and situation where my family and I could not just survive, but thrive. I had started seeing a therapist and got medication, which helped. I had finally found a path for healing the chronic pain, anxiety and depression I dealt with.
I had a good, new life and marriage, but was still being followed by shame for the failing of my first marriage, and guilt for my children growing up with divorced parents. That caused me to feel further separated from God than ever before. I knew I was out of alignment in my relationship with Him because of that divide, even as I was building a better life. I was so giddy about making my choices, I did it without listening. I didn't realize then that the definition of sin IS separation from God. What I did know was that I had to find my way back.
Shame and guilt are shapeshifters like the monster in a nightmare where we can't run from the faceless thing gaining from behind . The monster will follow us until we deal with it head on and stop running scared. Acceptance of our circumstances, and being forgiven for our past is the only way to expose the monster- I know that now. I had been running from it for so long. I needed to look my personal monster and shapeshifter in the eyes and let him know I was not running, from anything, anymore.
We all know the mind and body are intricately and delicately connected, that even our cells have the capacity to hold onto trauma, sadness, violence, betrayal, shame, guilt and anger. But sometimes we forget that we have the choice to calm our physiological stress through prayer, creativity, exercise, therapy, etc. - every single day. First we have to stop running, turn on the light, and face the monster chasing us so that we don't stay trapped in the nightmare, paralyzed.
We can do this the hard way by exhausting ourselves from running too long, or the easy way, deciding to make better choices for our mind and bodies . I was going to learn this one the hard way.
On Friday, February 21st 2013, a snow day, I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer, I had just turned 41. My first mammogram at 39.5 was clear. I had noticed getting out of the shower one day that my nipple was turned in a tiny bit. I went in had a mammogram, got called back, they did a biopsy of my breast cells and lymph notes and found cancer in both. 1.8 centimenters, estrogen positive.
I actually wanted to kill the messenger. I argued with the nurse practitioner who called me, telling her it had to be a mistake, no one in my family had it, I had turned 41 a month before, no risk factors- NO! What??? She just repeated that it was treatable and to make myself a hot cup of tea and call the doctor Monday.
I told her I would need something stronger than that, but thanks a lot.
After my first visit with the oncologist, hearing about hair, chemo, radiation, lumpectomy or mastectomy, etc., I sat in my car sobbing talking to God out loud and telling him that I understood that this was punishment for the life I had taken for granted, messed up, and tried to control without him. It had been years of not acknowledging my truth and not understanding how God could come into my life in a real way to help or guide me. It was almost a relief that I was being punished for all of the things I saw as stupidity and recklessness in my life.
But then there is that moment. The moment when everything- past present and future- in your life crystalizes in front of your eyes. I had some enormous cracks in my shell going into that moment, but they weren't enough.
I had to break, and break hard. I had so many layers of defenses built up to protect me that no matter how many cracks I had from running into the same walls over and over, I wasn't going to break until the moment I was supposed to.
So I watched as my life seemed to shatter in front of me, and I had no choice but to let my grip loosen and allow the pieces to fall. Something in that was almost as liberating as it was terrifying.
I had been holding my little wobbly world full of cracks together- frantically gluing the pieces that fell off- until my cancer diagnosis. Strangely, in that moment, after years of not being able to hear God's voice or feel worthy of his love, I heard him in a real way.
I broke open and and released it all right smack in front of Him, gripping the steering wheel, allowing the pent up stuff of my soul to flow out then and there behind fogged up windows as life went on around me.
As I was trying to catch my breath in the car on that cold, February day, He let me know very clearly one thing- that this was NOT his divine punishment.
That he LOVED me, - with a love I didn't understand until that moment- in my most broken, sick, ruined and ugly state; and that he would hold me and help me piece myself back together... and that I was forgiven. Even though I was just starting treatment, It was over, he had this, and I could rest in that knowledge.
I was the prodigal daughter who didn't deserve forgiveness, but my father welcomed me home with open arms.
Jesus gave me a talking to that day and let me in on what real, living Grace looks like. A profound lesson that has never left my heart and every day since then, I have known that my truest, most intimate longing is to know him more fully.
I got through a year of treatment, radiation, surgery, and all of it's mental and physical battering. I realized how to accept help from my friends, feeling immense gratitude instead of guilt like I once would have. I learned to appreciate each day, each bit of strength, each hair, and even my scars. Inside and out, my scars tell my story, and I wouldn't be who I am without them. I will be 8 years out in February.
I am most definitely a work in progress, still a hot mess, but I try to look at my life like painting- attempting not to judge when I screw up, but observing that I, as well as the people around me have room for growth. I would say I am at peace with who I am now and I am listening to God and writing the narrative for my own life with him. He gave me grace and I owe him everything. Whatever I do from here for whatever length of time, is because of that.
Painting for me is prayer. It is the place I connect with God and know myself the best. What spills out onto the paper are the depths of my soul's struggles, the height of it's peaks and everything in between. The beauty and tragedy of life gives, and takes, from all of us.
I feel that connection between us when I am painting.
The wish for my painting and for my life is that I can be used to capture a glimpse of the human spirit and beauty that exists all around us. That I can help others to get in touch with what they love- to see a painting, or make a painting, that speaks to them and helps them create a sacred space all their own.. And always, always, to extend to others the Grace that saved me from myself.
With Love and Gratitude- Gretchen
I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and why I paint . How my artistic journey has reflected my life in a lot of ways. There was a time when I only painted storms.. literally. Attempting the perfect balance of power in the sky and stillness on the ground. It was a metaphor for my life, but I wasn't thinking about it. I just wanted to paint the perfect storm!
I know now after so many years of painting that what it is inside of me takes on a life of it's own and needs to make itself known. Painting is a leaving of self, or ego, behind, and allowing spirit to come through the medium you're working with. It can truly be a mystical experience, as anyone who dives into the creative process knows. You lose track of time, forget to eat- all that matters is what your brush is doing on paper.
Creating a painting takes caring more about your growth as a painter than protecting your ego. Risking failure, playing, experimentation and problem solving. The real work and learning take place between your soul and your paintbrush. In the end, in both life and art, what you're left with is a work that is all your own, for better or worse. Full of the inspiration, mistakes, passion, rage, hope and love you put into it. Taking part in the creative process, no matter what medium- is a reflection of life in many ways.
Living our best lives and doing our best art is, in essence, forgiving ourselves for our imperfections, calming down and not ripping things up before we truly see what we have. And that may take months or years. If we have only perfection in mind, it's easy to lose sight of the process and the creativity, which is where the life of a painting lives and grows.
There are so many lessons and gifts in the imperfections - in both painting and doing life. It has taken me a long time to understand the need to slow down and objectively look at something incredibly subjective, both in life and my art. The more I thought about it, the more important it became to share my "why's," along the way, and remind myself and others that whatever our creative process is, it will help us become more self-actualized, expand our spiritual life, believe in ourselves, and experience joy and fulfillment. It can do all of that and more, if we will only allow it.
It takes forgiveness, guts, and grace to do a painting, or life, well. And the good and bad news is that it's all up to you. So here's my how, what, why, where, and when, not necessarily in that order.
I started painting in high school- Kansas skies mostly. I realized that I had absorbed their colors and movements while growing up, watching and playing under them; the still, cold, shimmering sunrises, the twilight purples and blues, the angry gray green thunderstorms, and pure white "flat bottom" clouds as my mom calls them, floating on a pool of blue above the wheat fields.
My dad, who grew up in the mountains of Colorado, ending up in Kansas, once told me I had an eye for seeing beauty in the mundane. And he was right. I think where you grow up always influences your ideas about beauty. Mine are big swaths of land and sky and portraits of people whose faces reflect the human spirit. The Kansas landscape had soaked up into my bones and it gave me a profound release to spill them out on canvas with all of their power, beauty and rage.
I went to college the same year my family moved out of my childhood home and relocated to Washington D.C. . I was studying at Kansas state and fell in love with literature and art, but also began dealing with major undiagnosed anxiety and depression. My drawing and painting classes became a respite where I felt a profound sense of peace.
Instead of waiting to make sense of the issues I was dealing with and face them head on, I kept trudging ahead, making life decisions I had no business making. Within a few years I was married and teaching art in public school . I didn't necessarily feel sad a great deal of the time; what I felt was numb and emptiness. Consequently, I almost recklessly let my life happen to me. And passivity is most definitely a choice.
Good did happen, in the form of motherhood. The experience of becoming a mother woke up a corner of my soul that had been dormant for a long time and I slowly began finding and cultivating the voice I had muffled for so long.
With the exception of my children, my life wasn't working on any level. Not getting into specifics, I was dealing with things I knew better than to put up with. The best way I can describe my life then is survival mode. My self esteem obliterated,, I felt like my identity was lost in the chaos. What I knew for sure was that I wasn't being the best mom, woman, or Christian that I could be in my current situation.
Today, if I were to write a letter to my younger self, I would tell her that she had left a large part of herself along the way, because she didn't give herself any grace, listened to other's narratives about what her life should be, and needed to do nothing else until she found her path again because nothing in life would quite fit together until she did.
One night before Christmas, I went for a walk in the snow. I felt lost, didn't my prayers were being heard. And I shamed myself because I knew I had a lot to be thankful for and had helped create the situation I found myself in .
I didn't ask for help. I didn't do anything, and I could have. Acting as if all was well was a game that served its purpose of not allowing anyone close enough to expose the soft, sickly underbelly of my humiliation and shame. Now I wanted to stop playing, and did not know how.
I now know two things can be true at once. We can have a lot to be thankful for, have people who love us, believe in God, and still be in pain, or numbed out, or feel hopelessness. That is not the time to feel guilt and anger at ourselves, in fact it is the exact intersection of those things that point out our imperfections as a human and our deep need for God.
I didn't realize then that God would meet me in the depths, but he will. I had been trying so hard to rise up to meet him when I was too weak to stand. I allowed shame to drive me away instead.
We are worthy of getting the help we need whether it's for addiction, abuse, mental health issues, eating disorders, bullying, betrayal, etc. Whatever it is you don't need to be ashamed anymore. Put it out there and tell someone. The biggest lie is when shame, pride, isolation and self judgement tell us we don't deserve the same compassion others do. That there is something wrong with us, that others would never understand.
The trick to getting to the other side is losing the fear of putting your finger directly on that nerve until you feel it and are motivated to figure it out and take action. Most of all, the lies we tell ourselves cloud our path and keep us from discerning God's voice and love in our lives when we are absolutely desperate for it.
Out of the chaos, darkness and confusion of where I was, I more or less blindly clawed my way into the light. To be clear, I take responsibility for where I found myself. I don't blame anyone else. To become whole, we have to wholly own who we are, what we have done, and where we have found ourselves. If we don't, we stay stuck.
The journey out was not tidy or painless, it hurt me and hurt people I loved - that is a sad truth, a consequence of the struggle, and a sorrow in my life.
But finding light and solid ground under my feet, I discovered my own grown up, empowered space for the first time. I could write my own story, and that felt indescribably good. I began a new life, in a new city, as a divorced woman, new job, single mom, and as I did, my truth was making itself known. And if you haven't learned this lesson; when your truth shows up, after being silenced for so long, it is both empowering and damn scary.
Truth becomes jealous when you don't acknowledge it and will stalk you and stare you down until you give it the voice it deserves. That voice can be loud and frightening to hear for the first time and just because it's talking, doesn't mean you know what to do with it.
There is not just one step to finding your true path . It is truly a journey with many parts and it's all yours. As with a painting, you have to step back, try not to judge yourself too harshly, and give yourself time to make your next brushstroke. That's how you get a Rembrant.
Unfortunately, for a large part of my life, I was crouched over my canvas slinging paint like Jackson Pollack with a drink in his hand.
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"Always"- Original watercolor painting
Sometimes I labor over paintings, sometimes they are offered as a gift out of nowhere. Many times the two happen simultaneously.
When I am doing a painting with a lot of left brain stuff, my subconscious sometimes goes into overdrive and I need an outlet for it, so a painting will many times just happen alongside the one I am "working" hard on. Sometimes they are successful, sometimes not, but they come from a different place, I guess.
Recently I was working on a commission which meant a lot to me and it was important that I get it right . As I was working on it, I came across a photo that just called to me to paint ! No waiting, I needed to do it. So I began painting this portrait of a mother nursing her baby as I was finishing up the commission.
The commission was of my cousin's beautiful son who suddenly passed away last month. I had recently seen a photo of he and his mama just after he was adopted, and she is talking to him and he is "talking" back with coos and smiles and the connection between the two is palpable. The look in her eyes holds the essence of a mother's soft, tired, beautiful and incomparable love for her baby. A love that takes up permanent residence in a mom's heart until she takes her last breath.
That eternal moment between mother and child, and all the ways that these moments shape us into the human beings we will become, teaching us how to interact with and love others, was in the back of my mind while I painted this piece alongside the commission. How the connections between us teach us not only of maternal or familial love, but also about our place here, our place among the humanity that surrounds us. A parent's love is a true reflection and taste of God's eternal and intimate love for us. My painting is an abstraction of that concept - painted with shapes and values and colors that organically come together in the form of two human beings in life giving connection.
As I think about the concept of how essential touch is to us all, I wonder about our present world of isolation, fear and social distancing. I think we all become a little less human without the ability to smile or see a smile under a mask. Without the ability to reach out our hand to a friend. All of the subtleties of communication swept up into the vacuum of a worldwide pandemic.
We all have a responsibility to be gentle and caring with one another, using whatever means we have to love and lift one another and give respite in these exhausting, difficult times, until we can embrace and gather together, connecting with our friends and family again through the warm skin of our hands, cheeks, bear hugs, and kisses.
Until then, I hope you are well and know you are loved and my prayer is that during these times, as we have experienced love and healing and hope from others , we return it out into the world tenfold. A beautiful and strong fabric of humanity.
With love and gratitude- Gretchen
"Chaco shadow" Original watercolor painting
I need to paint today but in truth, I am wrestling with God a bit at the moment.
2020, for certain, has been a time of upheaval, uncertainty and loss of safety and security we have perhaps taken for granted.
Maybe you can relate: the rules I have depended on have been broken.
My prayers and pleadings for healing of people who bring nothing but goodness, love and faith to the world, seem to go unheard and the losses of two beautiful souls and the suffering of their families have stunned me so that I am finding it hard to find center some days.
As I was taking a walk on Sunday, breathing in the beauty of autumn and watching leaves fall on the path in front of me, I was reminded that it is not because of me that the world continues it's path around the sun. The world does not operate according to Gretchen. It feels much safer to think that I have a line of direct access to God that might influence what happens on earth, and that my understanding is His understanding, but it is also a completely egocentric faith- no faith at all. It feels more comfortable and predictable if life is kind of based on a merit system of sorts. I know this isn't what the bible says and I learned personally a long time ago that bad things happen to the best human beings and that prayer is not always answered. It is only my responsibility to love those around me and pray for them and then let go, trusting God is big enough to hold the world and see everything that I cannot, through space and time. My cousin, whose faith is great, said this in the midst of crisis last week as her 7 year old son's life hung in the balance: "And if not, God is still good." Those words are hard and sharp and difficult to believe with conviction when prayers from the depths of our souls go unanswered.
In the old testament, the morning after Jacob wrestled with God during the night, God walked away and changed Jacob's name to Israel, which means "struggle" or "to wrestle with". The ancient Jews believed that God invited each of us into a wonderful wrestling match. Why wonderful? Because struggle in our faith and comprehension of God's ways means we are intimately questioning and seeking God, which is not a bad thing if we are to grow in understanding.
I want the roots of my faith to loosen from the safe ground of control and narrowness of thinking that tells me my understanding of God and faith is complete. It is messy at the moment. I am wrestling with God. And even as I know that my understanding on earth will never be complete, I ask for courage enough to let go of my will and accept Gods, with full confidence and trust. Even as I struggle with the paradox within the answer that "though with man it is impossible, nothing is impossible for God."
Today, my painting is dedicated to that struggle and to celebrating the lives of all who have gone on before us this past year, as well as those left in their wake, who we walk along with through the grief. And to two angels in particular, Deacon- vibrant boy with a heart bursting with love who lived every minute of his life to the fullest, and Thao- whose radiant spirit of love and compassion was life giving to me and so many others.
" Oh our God...we have no power against this great multitude of sorrow that is coming against us; nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on You." 2 Chronicles 20:12
I wrote about butterflies in my last blog- messengers of hope. If you missed it and would like to read it, click here: messages-of-hope.htmlhttps://www.ggwatercolors.com/blog/messages-of-hope
As I wrote it, I didn't know why I continued to see butterflies everywhere, and what it could mean.
Since that time, the suffering and attack of people I know and love has multiplied significantly, in a way that makes my heart ache for their unimaginable losses, their heartbreak, despair and suffering, and fighting terminal illness.
These people I know and love continue, in the face of it all, to love and spread their light on a daily basis. To see good in the world, and put one foot in front of the other. My heart grieves and yet is astounded by their great well of faith, the ability to see beauty in the world even in the most desperate. despairing of times, and all in a world that is preoccupied with fighting and ugliness.
I have continued to paint my butterflies as respite and as a form of prayer to send out to the world and I would like to send out these colorful messengers of hope and prayer and beauty to anyone who interested.
Beginning this Friday the 25th of September, until I run out of butterflies, I will do a drawing and give away one of my butterfly paintings. I will draw out of my list of email subscribers, so just go to the box below to sign up.
With love and gratitude- Gretchen
Do you ever have things happen that you understand as a message, but have no idea what to do with that message? The past few weeks I have experienced the abundant arrival of butterflies everywhere I look. Not only in my garden, but in arbitrary sources like books, conversations, dreams. Then last week, unexpectedly, a family friend and beautiful human being whose life's vocation was the priesthood died, and the last image he posted was of a beautifully embroidered butterfly. I decided then to take heed of these numerous messages and paint butterflies, honoring this man who dedicated his life to being an example of God's love and desire for us to have an abundant life. Thank you, Father Andy, you brought beauty and laughter into this world every day you were here with us.
I got out my paintbrush and dutifully began some simple butterflies. By the way, I don't paint butterflies. This has never been a subject I wanted to pursue. Their perfect symmetry, delicate designs, proportions, all intimidate me. But the more I thought about the symbolism of the butterfly, and the strange situation we all find ourselves in, the more they began to appeal to me. The idea of the darkness of the chrysalis, the difficult labor of transformation, the rebirth, leading to the release and freedom of this delicate creature whose work sustains all of us. If nothing else, the butterfly reminds us to remain hopeful that the hardships and inner demons we struggle with during this time of isolation will lead to a better understanding of ourselves, our unique gifts and work, our relationships, and our priorities.
I disappeared into the studio for a few hours, drew and painted a few butterflies that were gaudy, heavy and overworked. I started feeling defeated by the whole situation, wondering if this butterfly thing was all in my head and thinking I was wasting time while laundry needed to be done.
After a couple of days of not painting, at the prodding of my husband who had seen my reluctance to get back into the studio, I went out and sat down, cleaned up the area, turned on my music and started just playing with my paint and water, at first halfheartedly. Not trying to recreate a specific butterfly, but using simple contour drawings of butterflies to experiment with different watercolor effects. I started to love what was happening as pigment and water did their magical dance on paper. I was able, finally, to enter that place we long for as artists, to be in the moment, losing myself in that sacred space of creating.
I have been painting butterflies daily since. Throwing off the judging voices in my head that tell me I'm having too much fun doing this and it's not "important" work.
My butterflies remind me that we all need renewal and freedom. That slowing down to appreciate play and beauty is essential . That the stasis we have endured will end as these times teach each of us personal lessons that will apply to the rest of our lives.
These butterflies are especially dedicated to those I think of and pray for who have dealt with incredible difficulties during these past months, enduring suffering, loss, and hopelessness. My desire is that these paintings will be a reminder of the hope and love inherent in all of our individual journeys, even during the worst times. Each one of us is born with a unique beauty, wholeness and strength to find freedom from those things that oppress us , to become who we were truly meant to be.
With love and gratitude, Gretchen
"The magic in you"
This painting is of a photo of an incredibly talented friend of mine, Kara Davis, who is a choreographer and dancer in San Francisco. The energy, spontaneity, and passion in the photo captures her beautifully, and I have been planning on painting it, just letting it "simmer" for quite some time now.
When I sit with an image for awhile, it is much easier for me to get to the essence of what I want to say through my painting. Sometimes I'm not exactly sure what it is that draws me to paint an image, it takes time before I fully understand, and other times I get excited about painting something, only to have my interest fade to nothing after awhile.
But this one resonated and wouldn't let me go. After Covid hit, I still wanted to paint it but wondered how it would translate during these times when everyone is struggling. The answer came to me as I listened to the news one day and thought of all the other people listening too, getting depressed, unable to get away from the constant stream of bad news. I began to think about how our best remedy for combating the ugliness of our world is to look inward to find that magic place that resides in every one of us. The little space in our soul of childlike freedom, play and passion that the world tries it's best to drown out.
Finding that place, that magic, or rediscovering it, is just a process like anything else. Just spending time being quiet and curious about what makes you happy can help you find what you truly love and once it emerges, it enables us to look outside of our circumstances and find passion, resilience and energy. Better equipping us mentally, emotionally and spiritually to deal with whatever the world throws our way.
So here is my challenge to you today. Find something that makes you feel like a kid again. Do something that stirs the playfulness and effortless energy you may have forgotten about. It's not just for you, it's for all of us- our world needs renewal, hope, passion and a little bit of your magic right now!
*** If you are up for the challenge, post a photo of something that encapsulates the magic for you on the comments below or on my facebook page. I will do a drawing of all the people who send photos for a free mini painting next month. ***
I am clearing out and rearranging my studio this week, so I have not been painting. But I did uncover this little gem that holds tremendous meaning for me, even 36 years after I painted it.
I was in 8th grade, Mr. John's art class, and we were supposed to paint a watercolor landscape. I painted the hill, sky and fields with trees, but wasn't happy with it and was ready to start something new. I took it up to his desk, where he was, as usual, working on a watercolor of his own.
He called me by his nickname for me, "Grinnin", and told me to look for what I saw in my landscape. I said I wanted a little farmhouse but messed up the shape of the building. He proceeded to paint a small rectangular bar of red and a couple of dark brown squares for windows. I'll never forget how that red roof brought the entire thing to life. Suddenly, out of watery shapes, a painting emerged. It was there all the time, it just took his guidance for me to see it. Like magic, something new out of what I had essentially given up on.
Fast forward to the past month when I realized my painting space was converging on me like I was in the center of some very creative, unfocused, bird's nest. Which is actually kind of snug and sheltered feeling to me, so I can let it go for longer than I should. Fortunately, fate intervened and after watching an episode of "Hoarders" last week, I decided it was probably time to act, before the crew and cameras showed up.
My studio has been a holding place for my indecision. Last year I moved my parents out of their home into assisted living and in doing so, absorbed a lot of their "stuff". How do you go through a house full of sentimental things and make definitive decisions? If you're like me, you do it overwhelmed and poorly, then give your brother a carful of stuff he could probably live without.
Holding on to material remnants of a life that don't serve anyone any longer simply clouds one's vision and stagnates creativity. To truly honor my parents, I am discovering, I have to let go of the material and move forward in order to carry their true gift- a lifetime of love, beauty, and experience- with me into the future. .
So I started the difficult process of cleaning this week and during a break I went for a walk, clearing my head and talking to God. And the words -I never know chapter and verse, but I usually know a sentence or two- "See, I am doing a new thing" kept coming to my mind. I went home and looked it up and the verse is "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:19.
I am so thankful that God does a new thing in all of our lives, every day, throughout the world, even at the cellular level. He does a new thing so that we can have hope, healing and courage as we continue opening ourselves to the possibility of a new day. It was exactly what I needed at precisely the right time.
When I came across my old painting , I thought about how Mr. John put a little magic into my painting and my life that day, allowing me to see previously hidden possibilities and find joy and life in something I had deemed unworthy. His ability to see potential in a dorky middle school kid's painting in 1984, has been carried into the the year 2020. Who can know the potential of seeing a situation, a person, or a problem you had given up on from a new perspective? The possibilities of a tweak in thinking have the ability to change our future.
I am remembering Mr. John's lesson and Isaiah 43:19 as I let go of the "stuff" that stagnates new possibility, and renew my studio space to give new life to my creative journey. As well as a way to live each day , looking for the potential for beauty, integrity and possibility in places, spaces, and relationships we have given up on.
So, in Mr. John's words, today; "What do you see"?
We are living in a time of great paradox- The more we fight, the less effective we become. Arguing a point successfully, making a pointed comment, or even launching an insult at someone you feel truly deserves it feels self gratifying at first, even empowering. Until, it doesn't. Until the raging leads to more turmoil both internally and externally and then, seemingly, falls flat. The collateral damage is lost friends, bad feelings between family members, depression, anxiety, hopelessness.
Unfortunately, once rage and chaos are freed, they take on a life of their own. Newton's first law of intertia states that an object in motion will stay in motion, traveling in a straight line, forever, until something pushes or pulls on it.
Like the hurtful, angry words we put out into the world, inertia is virtually unstoppable until another force is applied. That force is love, and it is the only force in this world that can change the course of hatred, chaos and hurt. Is that naive? Simplistic? Ineffective? Weak? The world says so.
Jesus told us that his new command was that we love one another as he loves us. With grace, with forgiveness, with mercy. Taking on other's hurts as our own. For as long as it takes. And the bigger the hurt, the longer the healing will take.
The Hebrew word Chasidut is a rabbinic term that means to walk intimately with God. Our devotion to God is demonstrated and authenticated by our love for others. Chasidut is the way we love and serve those around us..
Similar to a tiny seed planted in each of us, as we tend to love, it grows into a mighty oak that is impermeable to the storms that rage around us. We are living through chaotic times. But we were born for these times. Let's commit to walking with our brothers and sisters every day, intimately and with love , the only true force in nature that can fundamentally and powerfully change our world.
You are stronger than you know. You have more power than you realize. Quiet power within that comes from God your father.
You don't comprehend this power because the world you live in magnifies all of your deepest fears. The vision of who you are truly meant to be is buried under humiliation, unworthiness, and shame, until you can't find your soul anymore. You don't recognize your life or who you've become.
You, child of God, were never meant to bear these things. They have taken over and close you down as you reach for the quickest way to numb out.
It becomes your survival, it becomes more essential that anything else in your life because it is the only friend you have that doesn't judge you and gives your screaming head the temporary rest it craves.
That is what the darkness tells you. The darkness makes it seem as if it is the only truth that exists, and it is a lie. A lie that will be exposed when you lay it all down at the feet of the ancient and living I AM who redeems all things and can liberate you from the hell you live in, Jesus Christ. Lay it down. Without holding onto anything, not even a scrap of the old. Ask for the forgiveness that will free your mind from the hell addiction has created in your life. He will grant it. It is not a simple or easy act, but it is no more complicated than that for those who genuinely seek it with their whole heart.
Wait on His light and freedom, something you have not felt since you were a child, running and playing in the sun, full of life. Wait and pray to feel your God-given power and see the first light illuminate your path from the shadows. Believe and know it will lead you to change the world for the better as you become fully released, empowered and loved. The path is yours to take, but you are the only one who can uncover it.
Lord, I pray for anyone reading this, struggling with addiction, that you will bless them abundantly, let them feel your love and give them strength and hope for a new life. Uncover the life you have been waiting on them to find. Amen.